redchameleon: (Default)

January 2012

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redchameleon: (Default)
Ah for no reason that I want to spew out right now. I had a live journal... a blogger... a something what was it....... xanga that's it.. and a incognito FB. I am not a blog neglector really. I had to leave some of those behind. Throwing off the chains that bind me!
I am going through a really hard time right now. The girl I love is in a "relationship". She says they are over, she says the are working toward a decent end... she moved out... then moved back in... does that sound like they're are breaking up? No it doesn't but I so want to believe they are just housemates. But I doubt it everyday of my life recently. She said it isn't the same as far as intimacy and I don't know if I believe her. I feel like I should by I am "just a friend" so why should she bother holding herself back for what... me.... the just friend. I have no leg to stand on I am only a friend to her and that is how she treats me and it breaks my heart! She has confessed her love for me.
I love her with all my heart and want her in my arms right now. Every night I wish she was by my side. She says we will be together one day... I thought she said that. What if I got it wrong. I swear she said we would be together one day and I want that so bad.
Am I being stupid to hold on and wait? I know she is not happy in the other relationship she seemed to act like it was ending... and yet she stays. I have tried to back off of the "friendship" but she misses me and feels good to know she misses me. I miss her. Is she going to end her former life?! she says she is not happy in it. Am I just a misplaced mistress....???
My heart aches but I have had enough achey hearts to know... eventually they go away. But I can't help but think they take a piece of goodness every time they happen.
One day I need to record the way I see this whole morbid fairy tale from start to finish. It needs to be said and possibly heard.
"the hottest love has the coldest end"---Socrates
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